WHY I’M NOT GOOD AT MY SELF - THEME OF WEEK 45-2018
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You’re about to read my third text where I highlight the one I am facing the difficulties I experience. I have chosen to write these three texts to show you more of who I am. May be you recognize your self?. Perhaps we can find a dialogue together? I also write these three personal blogs (week 43, 44 and 45) to claim that the one who seeks a spiritual development for his life does not have to seek perfection. I'm sure we can live parts of our lives in a spiritual dimension and achieve great complacency, though other aspects of our lives are not as developed. For my part, this is about accepting who I am and that in this life I came so far and not necessarily any further. To promote my key spiritual performances, I must prioritize my focus and reserve the time for action. This means that I accept that certain parts of my life do not get the same focus.
My first text as the theme for week 43, is about my difficulties in being in relationship with others. My second text (week 44) was about how difficult I think it is to assert myself and my interests in the face of others. The text you are reading now is about how I experience a strong self-confidence but at the same time lacking self-esteem.
You can find my blog at www.jonmostad.com and every Friday at PM 7 European time I will post the text for the week that comes. On Instagram, I share daily Quotes and Captions where the theme of the week is elaborated - feel free to subscribe my blog and follow me on Instagram @mostadjon.
Self-confidence and self-esteem
Is it possible to have self-confidence but not self-esteem? Yes, in fact, we can have self-confidence while lacking self-esteem. I'll explain how this is for me. First of all, I think psychologists can explain the relationship between self-confidence and self-esteem, better than me. Therefore, ask the psychologists. Then I know from my own profession that we can score self-confidence/-esteem on personality tests. Please try such a test as well. I give you a more personal experience-based presentation. Maybe you recognize your self?
I will look into what self-confidence and self-esteem are all about.
An outer and an inner I
In an attempt to create a connection and shape balance between self-confidence and self-esteem, I reflected for a long time on who «am I ?»
Quite soon, I discovered that in situations where I behaved with self-confidence, I behaved in roles I name «external». These roles meant that I could manage a template, a shape or a pattern. In a way, I did not have to be «myself». I could almost download a protected form where I was not vulnerable because I left myself behind and went into a protected form. I took part in the story, but the story was not «me». Perhaps this is the closest I have come to play theater? By leaving an inner closed base, I could avoid being vulnerable. The solution was to dress me on a professional role or carry an action pattern like a shield. Outside, I've always worked hard, safe and professional.
At the same time, I felt that I could become very uneasy and know fundamental uncertainty when questions came to «who am I». If you read my previous two blogs (week 43 and 44), you will probably understand the context. In meeting with an interest in my person, I shut up, shut off others and left the experience of closeness. I was unsure of the experience that someone cared about me. This was a feeling I did not know and that I still lack expertise to. When a kind of close attention occurred, I felt uncertainty. In one way, I felt I was not valuable. When this was repeated through a long life, the conclusion was that I did not have value. In order to survive such a state I learned to compensate - I gained confidence. I established the concept of self-confidence in external roles.
Can you recognize yourself?
More about self-confidence
So, I have self-confidence and it is about my own beliefs, what I can do and how I regard my self as a concept. I have made myself an object for my subject. Self-confidence is a cognitive abstraction and about emotional control. A matter of intellect and inner domination. For those who know the Chakras, I want to say that self-confidence is a matter for the Solar-plexus energy center. Self-confidence is about the mental control of the images I have of myself. A wonderful property to have. Self-confidence is valuable if it is in balance with self-esteem.
More about self-esteem
So, I need self-esteem and it's about love for myself, just as I am. Self-esteem is the way I know myself who I am and what I stand for as subject. Self-esteem is largely an emotionally subconscious construction I do of myself. Self-esteem is developed through feedback I receive from people who are close to me. If I over time hear that I lack skills, still making mistakes and not living up to expectations, I design the performance as valid for myself and the result is low self-esteem. This feeling of low self-esteem is linked to the energy center for joy, Hara-chakra. Low self-esteem is a critical feeling.
My «outer» life may function effectively and in many ways seemingly being successfully. Seen from the outside, I can agree. No one knows that this is the result of a strong self-confidence. I have the cognitive and mental control over «myself» in demanding situations and through such a dominant form of control, ensured my survival. That control is rooted in my mental beliefs about myself, borne by a highly developed Solar-plexus energy. What I have lacked and still lacking is the acceptance, love and happiness of myself as the emotional person I am.
My lack of self-esteem has both emotional and practical consequences. I avoid paying attention to myself. I avoid social relationships. I have big challenges to accepting pretty words about myself. I know of minimal self-esteem and cannot see that I have any benefit to others, viewed from an emotional perspective. In waves I feel melancholy and sometimes also a sort of depression. It’s painful.
Then I might come to my main conclusion
The text in the blogs for week 43, 44 and 45, has a purpose beyond attaching closer contact to you as reading, which is valuable to me. The question is whether I and others like me, who seek a spiritual expansion of our lives, can achieve the desired development while we lack personal perfection?
To me, the question is about focus and time. Should my measured time be used on healing of self-understanding or spiritual insight? Many may say, this goes on the same. I do not agree. The spiritual world awaits me even with my lack of personal perfection. Certain sides of my wounds and pains are given to the karmic evolution of my timeline to be disbanded by life cycles awaiting for me.